The dark side of parent teenager relationships rears it's ugly head when a battle of wills results in door slamming, shouting, threats, physical violence, put downs and so on. Thank God there is a more peaceful way to deal with strong disagreements. Enter the art of negotiation.
Let me guide you through five steps to effectively deploy the art of negotiation so that you can not only resolve disputes with your teenager in a peaceful way but also to build a better parent teenager relationship.
1. Narrow The Area Of Dispute. The first thing to do to begin any successful negotiation is to pinpoint the common ground. This means identifying where both parties agree. This will infuse some positive energy into the dialogue. From here, you then identify exactly what the issue is.
For example, your teenager wants her curfew extended by one hour. The common ground could include the need to be safe. The question or issue to be discussed is how less safe, if any, would it be to grant the change?
2. Find Out Exactly What They Want. It is one thing to listen to what your teenager is saying. It's another to listen to what they are not saying.
For instance, your teen makes a request that they want to stay out until midnight. In this case ask yourself, "what is my kid asking for really?" It may well be that your teenager has a need to 'stay cool' in front of their friends. Through negotiation it may turn out that the venue does not matter. Therefore staying out until midnight could occur in the comfort and safety of your own home, where your teen's friends could be invited.
3. Identify The Middle Ground. As the parent in your relationship, maybe there are some limited risks you are willing to take and maybe there are some concessions your child is willing to make.
For instance, staying up until midnight need not be in a public place. It could happen in your own home or your teenager's friend's home.
4. Be Specific In Your Agreement And The Outcome Of The Negotiation. Don't be vague. If there are certain behaviors that you believe are critical for your teen to exhibit, spell them out. By doing so, you can check to see whether your teen followed through.
For example, don't tell your teenager that "you need to be more respectful" without describing what you mean. Rather say, for example, "when you arrive home, don't just go and feed yourself or escape to your bedroom. Go to your mother and father and greet them and share something about your day".
5. Negotiate Agreements Over The Short Term Then Work Toward Long Term Agreements.
For instance, you may negotiate a new curfew agreement for three weeks. Review and revisit the issue over and over until both parties are completely happy.
This all might sound like a lot of hard work. However it sure beats ugly confrontations that result in bitterness and resentment. The big upside is that your purpose is not just to resolve disputes but moreover to build a bond of love and trust in your parent teenager relationship.
Let me guide you through five steps to effectively deploy the art of negotiation so that you can not only resolve disputes with your teenager in a peaceful way but also to build a better parent teenager relationship.
1. Narrow The Area Of Dispute. The first thing to do to begin any successful negotiation is to pinpoint the common ground. This means identifying where both parties agree. This will infuse some positive energy into the dialogue. From here, you then identify exactly what the issue is.
For example, your teenager wants her curfew extended by one hour. The common ground could include the need to be safe. The question or issue to be discussed is how less safe, if any, would it be to grant the change?
2. Find Out Exactly What They Want. It is one thing to listen to what your teenager is saying. It's another to listen to what they are not saying.
For instance, your teen makes a request that they want to stay out until midnight. In this case ask yourself, "what is my kid asking for really?" It may well be that your teenager has a need to 'stay cool' in front of their friends. Through negotiation it may turn out that the venue does not matter. Therefore staying out until midnight could occur in the comfort and safety of your own home, where your teen's friends could be invited.
3. Identify The Middle Ground. As the parent in your relationship, maybe there are some limited risks you are willing to take and maybe there are some concessions your child is willing to make.
For instance, staying up until midnight need not be in a public place. It could happen in your own home or your teenager's friend's home.
4. Be Specific In Your Agreement And The Outcome Of The Negotiation. Don't be vague. If there are certain behaviors that you believe are critical for your teen to exhibit, spell them out. By doing so, you can check to see whether your teen followed through.
For example, don't tell your teenager that "you need to be more respectful" without describing what you mean. Rather say, for example, "when you arrive home, don't just go and feed yourself or escape to your bedroom. Go to your mother and father and greet them and share something about your day".
5. Negotiate Agreements Over The Short Term Then Work Toward Long Term Agreements.
For instance, you may negotiate a new curfew agreement for three weeks. Review and revisit the issue over and over until both parties are completely happy.
This all might sound like a lot of hard work. However it sure beats ugly confrontations that result in bitterness and resentment. The big upside is that your purpose is not just to resolve disputes but moreover to build a bond of love and trust in your parent teenager relationship.
About the Author:
Are you overwhelmed and frustrated in dealing with your teenager? Are you at your wits end as to what to do about it? Are you eager to discover new ways to relate? If so, get parenting expert, Paul Saver's 7 FREE parenting videos that can revolutionize your parent teenager relationship . Just click on the link.
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