In your parent teenager relationship, where your teenager is so impressionable, the words "yes" and "no" are so powerful in shaping their outlook on life and reality.
My guess is that the word "no" is more commonly used in the parent teenager relationship, compared to all other human relationships.
If a survey were to be conducted, where parents of teenagers were asked the question: "Which of the two words "yes" and "no" do you use more frequently", what do you think the results would reveal? Knowing that so many young people today have a lack of self belief, it is highly probable that the word "no" is more frequently used.
Don't get me wrong. It is not wrong to sometimes say a flat "no" to your teenager. Sometimes it is necessary and the wisest thing to say. However if the use of the word "no" becomes as common as your heart beat, this presents a serious problem in terms of the teenagers capacity to live with hope and confidence especially in the midst of crisis.
The following is a short list of alternatives to saying "no" in your parent teenager relationship, from the work of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
1. Give Information And Omit The "No".
For instance, your teen asks if they can attend a concert the night before a crucial exam. Rather than say "no" you could provide some useful information such as "in the past you always performed better when you studied the night before". To this, you might add: "You need at least 8 hours of solid sleep to be prepared for the exam". Hearing this, your teenager may then decide; "I guess I really shouldn't go".
2. Accept Feelings.
For example, you are picking up your teenager at a party at curfew time. She wants to stay for at least another hour. You might say "I know that if you were making the decision alone you would be staying back". As you speak, you push open the car door for your teenager to come in.
3. Describe The Background Problem.
For example, your teenager comes to you requesting a lift, right away to the train station. As an alternative to simply saying a flat "no", you could say; "Look, I am very happy to take you but I am expecting an important visitor any time now".
4. When Possible Substitute a "Yes" For A "No".
For example, your family has just sat down for a meal together and your teenager asks; "Do you mind if I call me friend?". You answer by saying; "Yes absolutely you can call her after dinner".
5. Give Yourself Time To Think.
For instance. Supposing your teenager asks if they can sleep over at their friends place. You know that your daughters friend will be consuming alcohol. You may choose to say; "I need to think about it".
This alternative to saying "no" accomplishes two things. Firstly, it gives you time to think about your thoughts and feelings. Secondly, it allows your teenager some space to accept a "no" answer.
Saying "no" is the short, common and easy way to respond to your teenager's request. However when you consider the whole development and future of your child into adulthood, making that extra effort to come up with alternatives to "no" will serve your teen best. At the same time, your parent teenager relationship will be enhanced.
My guess is that the word "no" is more commonly used in the parent teenager relationship, compared to all other human relationships.
If a survey were to be conducted, where parents of teenagers were asked the question: "Which of the two words "yes" and "no" do you use more frequently", what do you think the results would reveal? Knowing that so many young people today have a lack of self belief, it is highly probable that the word "no" is more frequently used.
Don't get me wrong. It is not wrong to sometimes say a flat "no" to your teenager. Sometimes it is necessary and the wisest thing to say. However if the use of the word "no" becomes as common as your heart beat, this presents a serious problem in terms of the teenagers capacity to live with hope and confidence especially in the midst of crisis.
The following is a short list of alternatives to saying "no" in your parent teenager relationship, from the work of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
1. Give Information And Omit The "No".
For instance, your teen asks if they can attend a concert the night before a crucial exam. Rather than say "no" you could provide some useful information such as "in the past you always performed better when you studied the night before". To this, you might add: "You need at least 8 hours of solid sleep to be prepared for the exam". Hearing this, your teenager may then decide; "I guess I really shouldn't go".
2. Accept Feelings.
For example, you are picking up your teenager at a party at curfew time. She wants to stay for at least another hour. You might say "I know that if you were making the decision alone you would be staying back". As you speak, you push open the car door for your teenager to come in.
3. Describe The Background Problem.
For example, your teenager comes to you requesting a lift, right away to the train station. As an alternative to simply saying a flat "no", you could say; "Look, I am very happy to take you but I am expecting an important visitor any time now".
4. When Possible Substitute a "Yes" For A "No".
For example, your family has just sat down for a meal together and your teenager asks; "Do you mind if I call me friend?". You answer by saying; "Yes absolutely you can call her after dinner".
5. Give Yourself Time To Think.
For instance. Supposing your teenager asks if they can sleep over at their friends place. You know that your daughters friend will be consuming alcohol. You may choose to say; "I need to think about it".
This alternative to saying "no" accomplishes two things. Firstly, it gives you time to think about your thoughts and feelings. Secondly, it allows your teenager some space to accept a "no" answer.
Saying "no" is the short, common and easy way to respond to your teenager's request. However when you consider the whole development and future of your child into adulthood, making that extra effort to come up with alternatives to "no" will serve your teen best. At the same time, your parent teenager relationship will be enhanced.
About the Author:
Is being a parent to your teenager frustrating and wearisome? Are your parenting methods falling on deaf ears? Do you know in yourinnerself that there must be a better approach? If this describes you, get a hold of parenting expert, Paul Saver's seven FREE parenting videos. Each video is designed to transform your parent teenager relationship. Just click on the link.
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